I Dont Know You in Person but Ive Met You

Non Interested in Dating Someone? Simply Say And then.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'thou not formally educated or licensed as a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed by these. Curious about my background? Read my bio.

Also, I employ chapter links when recommending books or products. These give me a small commission if you use them to brand a buy, at no additional cost to yous. Thank you for your back up.

I've made it a goal to go out on at to the lowest degree one date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing then, have met hundreds of fantastic people. Generally, these are first dates, and just first dates. Every in one case in a while, though, I meet a woman who I'd like to go on dating. And every once in a while, she ends upwardly feeling the same style and it turns into a great relationship. (Sweetness.)

I also get the occasional woman that I'chiliad interested in, who doesn't testify the same interest in me. (Non so sweet.) And yet, that'due south dating. I don't become too cleaved up almost it.

In those instances, however, there is ane thing I wish were different: that people would be more direct when they're simply not interested.

Walking the line.

We as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of existence the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for information technology, without becoming the desperate, needy human who can't take a hint.

What makes walking this line so hard, though, is the fact that some women play difficult-to-get in hopes that the homo will pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-go in hopes that the man will "get the hint" and leave them alone!

See whatsoever bug here?

Over the years, I've learned to non make assumptions. If I'thou getting mixed signals, I'll simply ask her where she's at. I'll exist honest with my hopes (e.thousand. "Hey, I enjoy spending time with you, and would like to keep getting to know you lot") and requite them an out if they're not feeling the aforementioned way (e.1000. "and yet, if yous're not interested, zero hard feelings. I'd just like to know where y'all're at.")

When I've had that conversation, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (peachy—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, only have been playing difficult-to-become considering "otherwise, you men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. There is some psychological something around wanting what you tin't have, just dating is disruptive enough without having to play that game. Can't we merely we spare it?

Let's exist existent.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "not hurt the other person'southward feelings," I'grand a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you'd like to keep dating someone, say so! If non, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.e. stop returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep asking you out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to be fair, telling someone that you're not interested is much easier said than done. I do not green-eyed women, as they're often the ones existence pursued, and therefore the ones having to effigy out how to let the guy downwards easy. I've been there before—pursued by women I'm non interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'yard always tempted to just give excuses or depict it out until they "get the hint."

But that'south not honest. It's non 18-carat. And yous know what? Information technology'south not even kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're clearly interested in you merely prolongs an uncomfortable state of affairs for the both of you. Whatis the kind affair to do? Allow them know you're not interested.

But how?

Recently, I had a adult female text me afterward a first date and tell me she'd love to do something again sometime. Not wanting to injure her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Aye, that would be fun!"

But honestly, I wasn't interested. She was great in so many means and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of asking her out again. We but didn't click.

Afterwards giving information technology some thought, here's how I responded:

Thank you, and I definitely volition. And while I had a bang-up time tonight (genuinely!), I'm not sure I really run into things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know yous a footling better—thanks for agreeing to become out!

Simple plenty, right?

She was cool most it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely certain, merely I had fun enough time talking that I had thought I would requite it another shot. I sympathize though! Thanks again!

We wrapped upwards with a little more pocket-size talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I just keep that response saved on my telephone now and tweak information technology to each state of affairs then information technology's true and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. Information technology took me a long time to arts and crafts that response! You can utilise it, gratis of charge.)

Every fourth dimension I respond in this manner, I get a positive response, and both of us are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, fugitive, or worrying. Every fourth dimension a adult female has responded to me in this way, the result is the aforementioned. I admire her even more than for having the maturity to be directly, and am grateful to be able to move on without any question.

Agree? Disagree? How practice you lot allow someone down nicely? Post about it in the comments below.

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33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? Just Say And so."

I wish women would take your advice. Instead they somehow manage to think lying and stringing men along is there easy way out? Shit gets so onetime.
That'south a great response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though you're nice and good looking, I simply don't think we're a fit. (I used to say there was no chemistry but take heard that can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hello Jeanie,
  
  Correct? And interesting insight on the "chemistry" piece—I hadn't thought of that, only could encounter how it could be interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Agree x infinity!!! I honey your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly let get after being strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'one thousand not and then much mad at him every bit I am at how he did information technology. I hate lies. Totally wasted my time.
  1. Ugh, I'thousand so sorry. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 year quondam homo interested in me. I am 72. He knows my boyfriend died 1 year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am just not interested.
      1. Hi Pam,
        
        Not an like shooting fish in a barrel situation! My recommendation from the article yet stands, though—being direct and honest is the *kindest* mode to let him down.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with being upfront from first if there's no interest later trying to get to know someone. In my example, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some late nights for about ane-wk 1/2. Immediately ask me out after his BD wknd spent w/son (?). Anyway, post-obit his BD, he calls side by side morn left msg. (excuse) for non calling afterward in solar day as promised, maxim we would talk later. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to enquire if he could talk. "not correct now, I will ring you later". Never happened. Next day, no early morn telephone call or text. I waited, text to make certain he'due south okay. "thx for asking" was response, nothing more than. Nor did he call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. 3rd day after BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text after, "good", is everything alright w/you. Hr subsequently, "I'm ok, thx for asking bs". I said plenty is plenty. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I simply text: Glad yous're okay. Just request, are you notwithstanding interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke up w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'yard pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not have nerve to let me down like shooting fish in a barrel, and or wants his cake /swallow it too.
    Thing about it I actually liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that's no fun at all. Another prime example of how being tactful-yet-direct is the kindest affair we tin can practice to those we interact with.
I've been up forepart and honest with men to the bespeak where I've actually wound up proverb thanks but I'k not interested to which I'm and then attacked past being called really foul names. I'm almost too afraid to even endeavour chatting with men normally I'll say thank you for your involvement merely I'chiliad just really non interested in going any further and then I'chiliad attacked verbally. Maybe one or ii out of the men I've said no thanks to have been cool virtually it the others though "scary" doesn't come close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm down for anything which I'chiliad not i just don't get why men get so angry for no reason. I'm but another woman in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
Equally a women, nosotros are often indirect about these things because of:
A) fears of male person violence – nearly all women have been verbally driveling by women for rejecting them (being called a b**** or a west****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women being threatened, physically abused or fifty-fifty killed for rejecting men. It's just non worth the adventure
B) socialization – perhaps because of A, women are socialized from a very young age to exist overnice and not rock the gunkhole
I never testify interest in women (fifty-fifty though I may be very interested) because no woman has ever shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women normally initiate by giving hints to guys they similar. Since I never go any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'1000 not interested in dating at all, but I practise enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't lead women on. My problem is they get upset considering I won't inquire them out. Just I don't feel like I need to give them a reason. No one is entitled to a date with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting choice), how tin I forestall them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally understand John. I similar my own space and ofttimes tell men that I enjoy visitor and socializing, but I don't wish for it to go any farther. I notice that being direct up front stops people from expecting information technology to atomic number 82 somewhere. I too make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Howdy Niya,
    
    This is a nifty approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well done.
    
    Michael
    1. Hello Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that's I didn't feel the human relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the message via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'm lamentable you're in that state of affairs—it'south never easy ending a relationship. Without knowing the details of the state of affairs, it's tough for me to comment in depth. I volition say, though, that ending a relationship over text more often than not isn't advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed involvement in dating, or maybe going out on a second date, non for times when yous're already in a relationship and wanting to break upward. So my apologies if that was not articulate. I'chiliad a large proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        And so if yous haven't done and then already, you might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the best idea (e.g. "I'm sorry for sending that text—that's non a dandy mode to share something like this…I wanted to exist sure I worded information technology well, only I realize at present that it would have been more than advisable to call," or whatever feels correct to you) and then hope he is more than respectful during your conversation in return.
        
        Just if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on you, you do not need to sit down and take that. Information technology's entirely appropriate to say what you demand to say, and and so kindly wrap things upwardly: "I'm simply not feeling it. Thanks for the time we had together and I wish you the best."
        
        Once more, my middle goes out to you—I sometimes feel it's harder being the one to stop a relationship than being on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hi John,
  
  That is a tricky state of affairs, to be certain. Yous absolutely accept every right to want to build friendships and not have them into the flirting or dating realm. Equally to how all-time to communicate that to these women, that would differ from example to case. If you'd like to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to propose some means to approach it. In general, though, it will exist of import to remember that while at that place are ways to tactfully approach the state of affairs to increase their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may withal choose to take it personally or respond poorly. If they want you to inquire them out and find out you lot aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No manner around that. Just we of course hope they're emotionally good for you enough to not accept that out on you.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Give thanks you for your post. I bankrupt upwards with a human I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me about every 2 months and the communication problem still hasn't resolved. When I finally called to suggest we talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed and so now he'southward so common cold. We broke it off because we agreed we were exclusive and then one 24-hour interval the a dating app popped up aNd plain he was still online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes but I tin't forget it. And so when I saw him again he couldn't respond to what he wanted. I asked him over again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I just don't know what to do. His texts are cold and doesn't fifty-fifty bother to ask how I am doing etc. delight advise on how I should respond. I don't like existence treated this way if I didn't practise anything wrong simply beloved him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. Information technology's not just women who are socialized to exist nice, we all are. And while women might fright physical abuse, just recollect how much men fear psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when we reject some women. I'd much rather get a dial in the face up. What I have found works is that you must reject them in that location and then at the finish of the appointment before they get a sniff. Alternatively, if you are unsure then yous say "I actually don't see this going anywhere only I'1000 open up to a 2nd date." Doing information technology through text I would feel is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is evidence that you have written information technology with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for 3 months. The more I've gotten to know about him the more I'm not sure this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to vocalisation that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is near things. It's evident that I'thousand anxious and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling like is there something wrong with me that I'k not comfortable anymore ? He's a good guy just defective things I experience I personally demand. We haven't spent much fourth dimension in person yet. Is it dragging it out to expect on that opportunity or is waiting just to peradventure pause up worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. How-do-you-do Anonymous,
  
  That'south a tough one. I will say, in that location'south nothing wrong with you for non being interested in someone. That's why we date—to see if a human relationship has staying power (and to run into if we're willing to put in the work required to make that relationship stay nifty, because I'm not aware of whatever relationship that just stays amazing without work 😉 ). If you feel the human relationship could do good from spending more time in person, and you're willing to look for that, keen! Merely if not, I would be careful to not permit feelings of what you "should" or "shouldn't" do arrive the way of what your centre tells you.
  
  Michael
Give thanks you! I'm also going to have to salve that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Non going to waste material my time and yours… You lot have intendance and adept luck…" he also mentioned I should have told him sooner, but tbh I was still on the contend.
1. Hi Pamela,
  
  Dainty work. And I'm happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thank you for sharing!
  1. Give thanks you for writing this article. I'thousand 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, then this is all new. I have a big center (probably why I'm a teacher) and am always worried about pain feelings. Especially when they have expressed feelings for me. I even allow it go along going thinking I will go more attracted to them somehow. Only then it only gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to give-and-take things, went not interested. Your advice stood out! This dating thing is fell in my opinion.
    Thank yous once again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Thank you for your comment. And my hat'south off to you for jumping back in; I'm sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never like shooting fish in a barrel!
      
      Michael
I'k 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. Nosotros run into last year when I took my lawnmower in to exist worked on and brought it dorsum to him to piece of work on it this year. Problem is I'chiliad not physically attracted to him. We talked ii weeks ago on Dominicus in person, which was great, and then silence for ii weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to be a skillful guy til the silent handling. I don't know what to do. I feel like he was looking for a wife. Reason I'm saying that is because I told him I felt like "marriage is overrated", he's been married 3 times- me twice. I'm not looking to get married again.
1. Howdy Anna, I'm deplorable you've been on the receiving finish of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years dorsum, nosotros went out, I had a adept time and information technology turned in a one nighttime stand (for me). We spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn't interested. However, periodically he will meet a postal service of mine on social media and he will reach out, wanting to accept sexual practice again. He says, he "really enjoyed the sexual activity, and would like to see me and that he is not interested in a relationship". I have never taken him up on the offering, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This time tho, he has been texting me for almost a month, consistently and even so just wants sex. I take told him that I am not interested in just that, I want a relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would become him to go away, it didn't. He continues to text, skilful morning, how are you lot, etc.. He's non a bad guy, I am just not into him.
    
    How do I tell him to cease contacting me without being harsh well-nigh it?
    1. Hello Anonymous,
      
      First off, kudos to you for holding your ground and addressing your needs. Equally to how to respond, it plainly depends on the recent conversation, what your human relationship looked like, etc. But in general, you might consider preparing a more final response for the next time he reaches out. So if he messages you again asking for sex, you might say, "No, thanks. Equally I've mentioned before, I'm not interested in a coincidental relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I ask that yous delight not message me again. Give thanks you and I wish y'all all the all-time."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – great article, simply surprising from my perspective. It's been the other fashion around for me (I'm a 47 yr old woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the terminal couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or so men and have chatted with more of class. In some instances information technology was clear to me that I did not want to engagement the guy, and I let them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. Simply more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, but the guy did not stay engaged by continuing the conversation over text or setting up some other call or appointment. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, but want to keep my number in case something else doesn't work out. After near ane-2 weeks of sensing this, I send a nice message similar to what you suggest above and cut it off. Again, they accept e'er responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy being in that gray area with men that I would consider dating again. I wish they would just tell me they're non interested. Or should I perhaps proceed these doors open up in case something does work out? I don't become emotional nearly these situations, but I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to keep me effectually "just in example". Any communication?
1. Hi Suzanne,
  
  Information technology sounds similar the situation y'all've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult it is being the i interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are always "busy" when you lot ask to do something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would only tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'm a woman and get this from men all the time. It's then infuriating because I am quite direct, always in a polite way, and all I want is to know where I stand with someone. Too many times I have had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged simply never actually ask you lot out to come across. Yous tin can't write them off even so but it'south a dissatisfying situation. Then then I inquire them out (this is usually at most the date #3 mark) and information technology's a vague response that is often however unclear. Honestly, why can't anyone just exist upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via messages these days anyway, how scary can it perchance exist to just say 'look, I had a great fourth dimension, it was lovely to meet y'all, just I just didn't feel the chemistry i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront equally before long equally possible. Life is too short to be stringing people along and sadly when you are on the receiving stop of this beliefs over and again yous get jaded and reluctant to get involved with anyone.